Surprising Miss Polly

When I say Nothing.  I mean, Nothing besides play golf.

Six months ago I mentioned to my father that we better come up with something for my sainted mother’s 65 birthday party. It fell on deaf ears.

Six weeks ago I brought it up again, but this time with a plan and gave him instructions which were:

1. Call Colony Cottage and book the room for her birthday

2. Make a guest list and get the invitations out

Last Friday, which was five days before the party was going to occur, I get a phone call from my father I thought was telling me the number of people that were coming to the party so that I could coordinate with the caterer. Well, it appeared that King had done nothing. When I say “Nothing”, I mean, “Nothing besides play golf”…I freaked.

Here I was, about to load my family AGAIN in the car for a visit specific to the birthday party, and there was no party planned. I immediately swept into action. I cracked my mother’s email account to get a list of her friends names and email addresses, I put the invitation online at EVITE and I called the location to reserve the room. I engaged her close friends to supply me with names, I called Publix to get the cake….but noone would take my calls as it was now Saturday and nothing was going to be open until Monday.

We needed to get to Florida by Monday a.m. in order to have a chance of throwing the party by Wednesday.

We arrived Sunday night. No mention of the party around my father, he apparently “forgot” why I was there, and made arrangements to play golf on Monday and Tuesday….ALL DAY. It was just appalling.

My mother was sulking around the house as if we had all forgotten that our world should revolve around her, that we didn’t care, on and on it went. Making me feel guilty about something I shouldn’t feel guilty about in the first place….

My father….I can’t even describe. Appalling.

The party gods were behind me and it went off and she was shocked….Apprentice winner I would be for that one, and King would be fired.

I left aggravated and felt like a big punching bag.

My pending fake pregnancy

She Pats my Belly and gives me a waist squeeze and then said, “You’re Lying!”

I’m not pregnant let’s just get that cleared and out of the way. But, again, I have been accused of being pregnant…by my mother in law. Again, I self insult to forgive a woman who is also carrying a bit of “baggage”. I swear that I’m not, and then she does what one should never do…SHE PATS MY BELLY AND GIVES ME A WAIST SQUEEZE and said “you’re lying!”

I about died.

It’s the dress. My new style of comfort running the streets of New Orleans on the family vacation is empire waist dresses… throw over your head, zipperless dresses. I mean…It’s New Orleans and all you are can do here is eat, and drink. I wanted to be sure to pack that which would go from day into night and give me a little breathing room for the planned order of bread pudding….

Meanwhile, she tells me how wonderful John looks and that he almost looks too thin.

I’m at a total loss for my weight. Because of the ridiculous “detox” algea regimen that we have purchased, I no longer am drinking Diet Coke and get my fizz fix with Miller Lite. Then, it’s the summer…so bottles of red wine on the back porch are not out of the question and are actually anticipated….frequently.

So, self reflection here…I probably need to do a few more (adding from NONE) sit ups, maybe show up at yoga more than once a quarter, oh, yeah, and probably cut back on the six pack… but it’s summer and it’s too hot to work out and I’m extremely dehydrated from the algea pills.

Beer in the corner grocery is cheaper than water, and the gas prices are at the all time high. A mom’s gotta cut corners somewhere.